Favorite Beach Boys Deep Cuts

The Beach Boys’ discography is so massive, yet so often overlooked. By 1969, the band had released an album entitled 20/20 to commemorate the release of their 20th album (including greatest hits packages; it was only their 15th studio album). In the early 2000s, when I was blossoming ever-so-gently into a raging Beach Boys fanatic, I devoured those twofer CDs like candy on Christmas morning (my family’s traditional meal–you only live once, or so I’ve been promised). It can be a daunting task to undertake the band’s catalog as one migrates from the casual, greatest hits fan into the abyss of gimme all your tracking sessions, Brian. As the 1960s turned into the 1970s, the band fell from the grace and favor of the record-buying (and listening) public at large, leaving so many gems buried.

With so many tunes to choose from, I developed a very basic criteria for what could be included on this list: you shouldn’t be able to find the song on  The Beach Boys’ Greatest Hits, Vol. 1: 20 Good Vibrations or The Beach Boys’ Greatest Hits, Vol. 2: 20 More Good Vibrations  or Pet Sounds. (There is one exception on this list…but this is my blog, I can break my own rules.) No “In My Room.” No “Warmth of the Sun.” No “I’m Waiting for the Day” (take six). While those songs may not be instantly recognizable to many, I consider that Beach Boys for babies, and I am the Nanny in the white-and-green striped tights with killer purple sneakers kicking you outta the nursery. Let’s go.

1. “The Lonely Sea,” Surfin’ USA, 1963

Watch Brian sing this track in a film you would only watch if you are an obsessive Beach Boys fan–Girls on the Beach. Not that I obsessively waited for this film to be on TV so I could record it or anything… 

Pet Sounds doesn’t exactly have the corner on soul-wrenching tunes in the Beach Boys’ catalog. Take this track from the Beach Boys’ second album as a case in point. Stunning. Haunting. Beautiful. Written and sung by a 20-year-old Brian Wilson. Yeah, he earned the right to stay in bed for three years.

2. “Cherry, Cherry Coupe,” Little Deuce Coupe, 1963 

Talk about a jam. Dennis is trying so hard on this song, and I love it. Most of my car knowledge comes from Beach Boys lyrics, but I have no idea what 80% of the lyrics of this song even mean. “The wildest short around is my cherry, cherry coupe.” What??? “Door handles are off, but you know I’ll never miss ’em/They open when I want with the cellunoid system.” (Yeah, Mike Love’s nasal tones call it a “cellunoid” system. I know.) Sounds awesome, but I really have no idea.

(Side note: Little Deuce Coupe, a collection of “hot rod” songs, is considered an early example of a concept album. But what is more amazing is that it was released a mere month after Surfer Girl. The band released three–!!!!!–albums in 1963 alone. Is it any wonder why Brian suffered a nervous breakdown?)

3. “Girls on the Beach,” All Summer Long, 1964 

I include this song as an example of how even early Beach Boys’ songs that dealt with “summer and fun and summer and summer and fun and cars” that weren’t particularly thought-provoking or inspiring were still harmonically breath-taking. Also, Dennis gets a little vocal solo, so there’s that.

4. “The Lord’s Prayer,” The Beach Boys’ Christmas Album, 1964 

I first heard The Beach Boys’ Christmas Album by repeatedly checking out the cassette tape from the local library year-round. This track was tacked on the end of side two (I think), and I was so disappointed when I purchased the original album on vinyl and it wasn’t included. I was even more disappointed when it also was not to be found on Ultimate Christmas. It was originally found on the flip side of “Little Saint Nick.” What other band could so seamlessly pair a tune about Santa’s hot rod with such a heartfelt, gorgeous rendering of “The Lord’s Prayer”?

 5. “Good to My Baby,” Today!, 1965 

In a word: TUNE. On the surface, it’s just a good little rock ‘n’ roll song. Take away the vocals (as the above video does), and you can begin to appreciate the complexity of Brian’s music. So much of The Beach Boys’ music is like that: effortless on the surface, its sonic complexity easily overlooked. It’s how we separate the Mike Loves from the Brian Wilsons.

6. “Please Let Me Wonder,” Today!, 1965

Today! is such a great album. While the first side is full of upbeat, infectious rock ‘n’ roll numbers, “Please Let Me Wonder” opens the introspective second side. It’s one of my favorite Beach Boys songs, and it features one of Brian’s most beautiful, sweetest vocals.

7. “Kiss Me Baby,” Today!, 1965 

Kiss a little bit, fight a light, kiss a little bit, woah baby…

Oh my gosh, words can’t even do justice to the beauty of this song. Even Mike doesn’t mess it up. Enjoy the acapella version in the video posted above.

8. “Girl, Don’t Tell Me,” Summer Days (And Summer Nights!!), 1965 

Dripping with the Beatles’ influence (most obviously “Ticket to Ride”), this is a great little tune, far superior to its A-Side (Ba-ba-ba-BARF-Barabra Ann…no, it’s a good song for what it is, really) and featuring a rare (at that time) lead vocal from Carl Wilson.

9. “Surf’s Up,” The SMiLE Sessions, 1967 

None of the versions of this song found on the five-disc SMiLE Sessions come close to the simple beauty of Brian’s television performance. The narrator of the program observed: “Here is a new song—too complex to get all of the first time around. It could come only out of the frontman that characterizes today’s pop music scene. Brian Wilson, leader of the Beach Boys and one of today’s most important pop musicians, sings his own ‘Surf’s Up.'” He goes on to describe the song as “poetic, beautiful even in its obscurity…a symbol of change” in the world of pop music. Eyes closed, Brian’s heartfelt delivery is unparalleled. How different the world of pop music might have been had this song and the rest of SMiLE had seen the light of day.

10. “Let the Wind Blow,” Wild Honey, 1967 

“Let the Wind Blow” is a somber ballad comparing love to nature, with the singer urgently pleading that, as elements of nature, his love might be a part of his life forever.

11. “Busy Doin’ Nothin’,” Friends, 1968 

A chill song in which Brian sings directions to his house and describes what keeps him busy while he waits for you to finally show up (and wow, is he busy). Once you do finally arrive, you’ll find him “in my house somewhere, keepin’ busy.” Has to be in my top ten Beach Boys songs, ever. I’ve been singin’ it at least three times in a row every night before going to bed for the past few days.

12. “All I Wanna Do,” Sunflower, 1970

This is another chill song, and I have to award credit to Mike Love for not pulling deep bass or nasal tones and inducing vomit like he usually does. He actually sings, and his vocal tone suits the ambiance of the song. I always see Mike practicing meditation when I hear this song, though. I think there may be a clip of that in Endless Harmony or some other Beach Boys documentary. Oh well, I just have to close my eyes harder, I guess. (“Tony and I think that if you close your eyes you can see a place or something that’s happening. It’s like being blind but because you’re blind you can see more. Don’t you think it’s a spiritual kind of thing?” “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. I closed my eyes. Didn’t see a thing.” Can’t stop, won’t stop.) Still, a good song.

13. “Forever,” Sunflower, 1970

So I’m going away, mmmm, but not forever…

Quite simply one of the most beautiful and romantic songs ever written. Some might even call it a “rock ‘n’ roll prayer.” I hope you’ve never had to listen to John Stamos sing this song; it’s a gross offense to sugar and spice and all things nice–especially a genuinely soulful singer, Dennis Wilson. It’s equal parts heartwarming and heartbreaking to see how Brian watches the video montage of his younger brother with pride and sadness. Give that man a hug–or a kiss on the head like his little brother once did. 

14. “Feel Flows,” Surf’s Up, 1971

When Brian retreated into a cocoon of drugs and isolation, Carl stepped in and became the de facto leader. He was the beating heart of that band and, sadly, with his death, the Beach Boys became the fractured band we have today. “Feel Flows” (along with so many others of this period, including “Long Promised Road” also from Surf’s Up) is a fine example of Carl’s blossoming songwriting and production skills. It’s a jam.

15. “Lookin’ at Tomorrow (A Welfare Song),” Surf’s Up, 1971

Sounding more like The Beatles than The Beach Boys, Al (yep, little Al Jardine) woefully sings about job-hunting. But in a haunting, trippy way. But I’ll be coming home tonight/And everything will be alright/And we’ll be looking at tomorrow…You go, Al.

16. “‘Til I Die,” Surf’s Up, 1971

“I’m a cork on the ocean,” are the opening lines to “‘Til I Die,” which Mike Love once annoyingly described as “the last great Brian Wilson track.” (He probably also screamed that this song was NOT BEACH BOYS FUN! It’s a special brand of fun, you know.) That opening image perfectly encompasses Brian’s despair. It’s such a beautifully depressing song. “I’m a leaf on a windy day. Pretty soon I’ll be blown away,” Brian concedes. Yet, amazingly, he ultimately triumphed. What a guy.

Sometimes I just lay in bed and sing this song. That’s not a red flag or anything.

17. “I’ll Bet He’s Nice,” The Beach Boys’ Love You, 1977

Oh, this song. (Oh, this album.) All three brothers share the vocal responsibilities, with Brian and Dennis splitting each verse and Carl singing the bridge (oh-oh-oh man). The Moog synthesizer abounds amidst this aural paradise, lending it a quirky edge. Brian loves this song and so do I.

Well, that’s a good start. What’d I miss?

See you tomorrow, Hal!

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P.S. In the spirit of Christmas, let me implore you to be a Brian Wilson in a world full of Mike Loves.

P.S.S. The appropriate response when Mike Love asks if you like his beret or just opens his mouth in general:

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Seeing Brian Wilson Live

A few weeks ago, my husband and I went to a Brian Wilson concert. Not entirely by choice, mind you, as anyone who really knows me (and Brian Wilson) would know that this would never be my number one choice of how to spend an evening. Of course, I love Brian Wilson and The Beach Boys, second probably only to The Beatles, but I am long over concert-going, and Brian Wilson has never been–and never will be–a performer.

Following our trend of going to events where we are the youngest people in attendance, we go to see Brian Wilson, seated amidst of white, gray, balding, and in denial. The orchestral versions of Beach Boys hits you could probably hear in an elevator provided the perfect backdrop for this scene. A white piano sat center-stage, ready for its maestro–and right on time, Brian stepped onto the stage, with considerable assistance from an aide.

Although our tickets read that the show was for Pet Sounds Live, the show opened with a mini-greatest hits set (“California Girls”, “Little Deuce Coupe,” etc.) with a handful of deep-enough cuts to keep die-hard fans appeased and generic fans befuddled. Then Brian abruptly announced that the band would be playing Pet Sounds in its entirety.

Pet Sounds is, of course, an incredible work of art. As the band said at the close of the show, they were incredibly honored to play such transcendently beautiful music and as an audience member, it was wonderful to hear, even if Brian’s own involvement was limited. He has a talented band that does justice to his musical genius, but he appears to sit at the piano just to have somewhere to sit, and when he does sing, it isn’t exactly singing. “Don’t talk,” he told us, talking more than singing. “Put that head on my shoulder.” Considering the emotional, physical, mental, and drug abuse this man has suffered for most of his adult life combined with his age, however, it is understandable that he would no longer resemble the beloved voice found on record.

At the conclusion of “God Only Knows,” the audience gave Brian a standing ovation. “Thank you. Thank you,” he repeated. “Ladies and gentlemen, please be seated.” So polite and eager to keep the setlist moving.

The final track is, of course, “Caroline, No.” “It’s so sad to watch a sweet thing die,” Brian sang. (Or did he? Maybe it was his vocal counterpart–his son-in-law. I can’t remember.) And before we even hear the barks of Banana and Louie, Brian is again taken away.

Brian quit touring with the Beach Boys at the end of 1964 due to the strain and pressure it put on him and to devote his focus to writing, producing, and recording. Brian was never very comfortable on stage. “Something’s off. It’s being up there,” Brian confides to his brothers in Love and Mercy after speculating that maybe he’s just “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!”

(Need I remind you again that I am 1000% cuckoo for Love & Mercy? It is such a great movie, the best biopic, and all the awards to Paul Dano and John Cusack for such mesmerizing performances. So many good things in this film, including Paul Dano in white pants and Vans. Go ahead, drop another bobby pin. Oh yeah.)

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(If my husband is reading this, I have to defend myself. This is NOT the screen cap I said I needed to make a point in my post. This is what is referred to as aesthetically pleasing.)

“You don’t need me up there, looking like a jerk. I’ll be better back here at home, making music,” Brian pleads with Carl and Dennis. “I just wanna be home.” I get you, Brian. I get you.

And when we see Brian in the studio a few minutes later, starting work on Pet Sounds, we know he is right. Brian is an incredibly sensitive and vulnerable person, crushed by his father’s disapproval of the beginnings of “God Only Knows” in an earlier scene, yet he is so dynamic, articulate, and forceful (in a gentle way) about how he wants his music to sound.

“Brian, I think you might have screwed up here,” groovy Carol Kaye tells him at one point.

“Really? Let me see.”

“You’ve got Lyle playing in D and the rest of us are in A major.”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“How does that work? Two bass lines in two different keys?”

“Well, it works in my head…I think it’s gonna work. Let’s try it.”

And when it does indeed work, Carol Kaye can’t help but smile. And Brian smiles, and it’s such a beautiful moment in the film. It really struck me the first time (out of 800) that I saw the film in theaters because it’s just a perfect encapsulation of who Brian is. He is the music, and he belongs at home or in the studio, creating music.

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We came home from the concert and watched Love and Mercy the next day. And I was struck again by how much heart and soul Brian put into Pet Sounds, at how in his element he was in the studio, and I wondered again, what was it that broke Brian so? Was it the lukewarm reception to Pet Sounds (stateside, at least), the band’s reluctance to indulge SMiLE, the drugs, his father, mental illness, Satan in the form of Eugene Landy, or a combination of all of the above? I don’t know. But it is so sad to watch this once dynamic, creative individual be reduced to a position he always hated–being on stage, spending more time watching the crowd hopelessly and wiping his hand across his forehead than actually singing. Again, all of the abuse this man has endured has taken its toll; I’m not criticizing the quality of the performance, despite Brian’s limited involvement, I’m just wondering if this is the best place for Brian.

One of the things that comes out of Love and Mercy is the triumph of Brian’s spirit and his redemption in both his music and the escape from Dr. Landy. He falls in love again and returns to creating music. And while he has created some great music in the past twenty-odd years, I have to wonder if the time for Brian Wilson to be performing live has passed, not only for his discomfort but also his health. Can’t he just be home, creating music and spending time with his family?

When Brian re-appeared for the encore (my husband was skeptical that he would be physically able to), the final song the band performed was “Love and Mercy,” which is the signature Brian Wilson track. Created under the duress of Dr. Landy, Brian’s caring, sensitive spirit still shines through the music. “A lot of people out there hurtin’ and it really scares me,” he sings, and you know he means it. He is such a genuinely humble, supremely sensitive human being, and you can feel that in his music. I had to express gratitude for the kind, gentle soul of Brian Wilson that evening.

P.S.

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“Who cares what Mike says?”

So many great lines in this movie.

P.S.S.

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Yeah, I get you, Brian. 1000%.

P.S.S.S. Coming up next: Favorite Beach Boys deep cuts. Be thinking of your favorites! A happy side effect of seeing Brian Wilson live is the inability to listen to anything but Beach Boys music 24/7.

Thoughts on Imagine

If you’ve been worried about me and my fragile mental state since my last post from more than a month ago (whoops), you were right to worry. Since that time, I’ve developed a new obsession because, you know, I was starting to run low on those…

(If you weren’t worried about me at all, that’s okay, it doesn’t hurt my feelings. I’ve been accused of being overly sensitive, but it’s really not true. Unless it’s the wrong time of month, of course.)

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New life motto right there.

My newest obsession is a BBC/PBS Masterpiece show called Poldark, and I may have accidentally marathoned the first three seasons on Amazon Prime in about two weeks. Oops. We’re going to have to talk about it soon, so if you haven’t watched it yet, get ready!

I’ll give you a moment to wipe the drool from your mouth….

Meanwhile, John Lennon’s Imagine was re-released last month. This version is reportedly the ultimate release, and you won’t need to buy another copy of Imagine ever again. Fans had their choice of a single CD, a double CD or vinyl with the second disc featuring “elements mixes”, outtakes, demos, and alternate takes, or the ultimate edition with four audio discs (same content of the double CD edition plus more outtakes etc.), two blu-rays, and a hardcover book. Being quite fond of my old, battered vinyl copy of Imagine, a surprise gift from my husband when we were still dating, I simply opted for the double CD, decreeing it sufficient for my needs. Trying to cut back, y’know.

In the liner notes, engineer Paul Hicks states that Yoko Ono wanted this release to achieve three goals: first, be totally faithful and respectful to the originals, second, be sonically clearer overall, and finally, increase the clarity of John’s voice because, in her words, “It’s about John.” Which, of course, is absolutely true. For a man who (amazingly, inexplicably) hated his voice, his voice–in its genuine, bare-soul beauty–bears the greatest impact on Imagine (and every other Lennon work, I’d argue).

With this remastering of Imagine, that voice is clearer than ever before, making the album that much more powerful and enjoyable. Lennon once described Imagine as “Plastic Ono with chocolate coating”, referring to his first official solo venture, Plastic Ono Band, where, fully indulged in Primal Scream Therapy, he unleashed pent-up emotions about his upbringing, class, religion, and those darn Beatles.

But you know what? I like chocolate coating. It’s the food group at the bottom of the food pyramid in my world. I’ve been thinking about which Lennon album is my favorite (when I’m not, you know, thinking about Captain Poldark) or which is the best, and I just think Imagine might be it, chocolate coating and all. And I think it not only has to do with his voice and the lyrics but also that Imagine encapsulates John as a flawed, beautiful human being so well.

The title track is iconic, rightfully so, and has to be THE John Lennon track. Painting a portrait of a beautiful Utopian world, the lyrics are fraught with irony. “Imagine no possessions,” sings the man currently residing in what can only be described as a mansion sitting on 70-some acres. But there’s also the irony inherent in Lennon’s personality, which could alternately be loving and combative. We see this duality in “Jealous Guy,” where he plaintively seeks forgiveness (“I didn’t mean to hurt you/I’m sorry that I made you cry”) and tries to explain the cruel side of his personality (“I’m just a jealous guy…watch out”). John’s gentle, vulnerable voice makes this beautiful song transcendent.

Yet, Lennon bites on this album, too. He pokes fun at religious hypocrisy in “Crippled Inside,” and he leaves no survivors in “Gimme Some Truth.” The cutting lyrics, of which it is impossible to pick a single favorite line, attack politicians and their games. “Just gimme some truth,” Lennon snarls. His voice is front and center on this track, lending less volume to the backing track and emphasizing the power and emotion of his voice. It’s such a great and relevant track. And George Harrison’s slide guitar solo is pretty sweet, too.

John also poked fun at Paul’s cover art on Imagine as well…

Perhaps the harshest and most controversial track on the album is “How Do You Sleep?”, where Lennon directs his diatribe toward his former bandmate, Paul McCartney. “The only thing you done/Was Yesterday/And since you’ve gone/You’re just another day,” he sings, knowing where to hurt McCartney the most. McCartney, who sought, coveted, and needed Lennon’s approval, would be supremely hurt by such a severe dismissal of his musical accomplishments and talents. Lennon was responding to attacks he heard on Ram. McCartney later admitted that a few lines were digs at John and Yoko (“Too many people preaching practices”, “You took your lucky break and broke it in two”). The difference between the two is telling of their individual personalities: McCartney’s lyrics are allusive; Lennon’s lyrics are direct, leaving the listener to imagine absolutely nothing. Yet, the final product we hear on the album is less offensive than some of what was rehearsed. Visiting the studio, Ringo Starr witnessed some of the more bitter lyrics and told Lennon, “That’s enough, John.” For his part, George Harrison, again playing a mean slide guitar, had no visible reaction to the song, as seen in the Imagine film:

(Klaus Voorman looks pretty miserable as well.)

Paul was right to not respond–lyrically, at least–to the track, as there was never really any competing with John’s lyrical prowess and wit. It is important to note how the two men did eventually reconcile; by the time of Lennon’s death, the two had resumed their loving, brotherly relationship.

On Imagine, we hear Lennon’s plea for a better, more peaceful world, his unabashed, borderline obnoxious love for his wife (“In the middle of a bath, I call your name…Ohhhhh Yoooooooko!”–it should be annoying, but it’s kind of endearing and lovely), his admittance of his shortcomings (“I’m just a jealous guy”), and his venom for hypocrisy in all its forms, even if that means attacking a dearly loved friend. He is loving. He is angry. He is hopeful. He is kind. He is viciously cruel. He was all of those things, and while he sings of a longing for a better world on Imagine, he ultimately worked diligently to become a better man until his life was senselessly cut short. “He was no angel,” a journalist commented to George Harrison in 1988. “He wasn’t. But he was, as well,” George replied. “Was he?” the journalist challenged. “Yeah,” was Harrison’s simple reply.

Imagine–now in its full remastered glory–is a wonderful reminder of that.

Reflections on the Wobbly Threads Holding My Brain Together

AKA a post about whatever is going through my head at the time… 

I recently took a “Name that 1960s band” quiz and was told that I was “smarter than 99% of your peers”. That may seem flattering, but it’s grossly inaccurate. I have just spent an inordinate amount of time listening to this decade of music from a very young age and can (sadly) recognize many of the ugly band members. Don’t get offended, ya’ll. You have to remember, these guys (and some gals) were MUSICIANS, not movie stars. What I do believe would actually qualify me as smarter than my peers would be knowing that Zal Yanovsky (guitarist of the Lovin’ Spoonful and a great example of a not-exactly-attractive musician) was married to Jackie Burroughs (aka Hetty King on Avonlea) for a period in the 1960s. Like, whoa. I’m still reeling from this discovery I unearthed earlier this year.

For some reason, I recently thought of this photo of Keith Moon:

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Keith Moon and Snoopy, what more could you possibly want in life?

(Well, a little chocolate never hurts. At least that’s what these sweat pants with an elastic waist band tell me.)

But it made me think of how the photo was taken by Linda Eastman, which then made me think of the last photo taken of Keith Moon:

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You can’t see it clearly in this photo, but Moon was sporting a “Wings” t-shirt that night as well. And all of this made me think of how, as a kid, I frequently checked out Paul McCartney: Many Years From Now from the local library in its massive hardback form, and next to it on the shelf was a book whose spine read Moon. I would devour that book in a few years during a Who obsession and enjoy it so much I had to have a copy. (It really is a very good biography.) And now, on one of my bookshelves, it rests next to my very own compact paperback of Many Years from Now.

Anyway, reflecting on Keith Moon made me want to watch The Who’s video for “Happy Jack,” which has nothing to do with the song really. It’s really about how a robbery turns into a massive cake party. Because cake, obviously, trumps anything of value in that safe.

Which got me thinking about how “promo clips” (predecessor of music videos, if you like) were so different back in the day. Take, for instance, this promo clip for Small Faces’ “Get Yourself Together”:

Basic plot: Three members of Small Faces, who were pretty much the most adorable band ever (excepting The Beatles, of course), dress up as coppers and playfully mug their lead singer. Nothing to do with the song, really. Just an excuse to be adorable. Sad to think that Kenney Jones is the only surviving member of this forgotten gem of a group.

Yeah, Kenney Jones, who, of course, briefly replaced Keith Moon in The Who after his death.

And you know who’s a really big Small Faces fan?

Uhh, dude on the right who stole Steve Marriott’s haircut?

(But then buzzed it off and went through a series of questionable haircuts, only to carefully and painfully re-grow the same haircut some twenty years later and now smartly refuses to let it go…Does it worry you how much I know about Paul Weller’s hairstyles? It shouldn’t. It’s perfectly normal. Ask any medical professional.)

Yep, Paul Weller. The Jam actually did a decent cover of “Get Yourself Together”, but some of Weller’s other covers of Small Faces tunes ain’t so great. (I find his cover of “I’m Only Dreaming” unforgivable, really.)

But you wanna know what’s great “when you’re knocked on your back an’ your life’s a flop”? Besides watching Style Council videos that feature Paul Weller’s great bad dance moves and haircuts, of course. I can see how the man has stayed so thin over the years — he must burn like 1000 calories just singing. Dude packs so much into one line of lyric — all those little dance moves just earn him an extra handful of marshmallows in his hot cocoa in the morning. Because he seems like the kind of guy to drink hot cocoa in the morning. Don’t believe me? Try singing one of his songs sometime. Do it in a sleep mask when you think your husband’s busy gaming, and wow, way to steal my life. Don’t believe me about Paul Weller being the kind of guy to drink hot cocoa in the morning? Sorry, but do you actually think you know more about Paul Weller than ME? You just might, but I wouldn’t bet my life savings on it.

(Could someone please ask Paul Weller if he actually does drink/like hot cocoa + marshmallows? Just to be safe? THANKS! THANKS SO MUCH!!!)

Anyway, back to what’s great when you’re down on the bottom and there’s nothing else except to turn the radio dial to the “REAL (and I do mean REAL) Oldies” station and the announcer says, “Want Rick Nelson? We got ‘im!” Uhhh, you betcha, you little mind reader you. IT’S LATE, BOOM!

(Good luck getting that song out of your head.)

Which brings me to one of those things that keeps me up at night: Which pop song is more un-realistic: Ricky Nelson being “Stood Up”  (that was great, Rick!) or Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson fighting over the same girl (Paul – giggle – I think I told you, I’m a lover, not a fighter!!!)? Thinking about it makes my brain hurt and keeps me up at night. It’s such a tough call. Share your thoughts, please.

I’m serious.

I know, I know, I’m a lot like George Harrison, who pondered the BIG (we’re talking Tom Hanks BIG here) life questions in his music (e.g., “What Is Life?”).

Now, once you’ve answered my last question, prepare yourself to answer: girl, who ya gonna choose–Macca or Michael?!

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Nah, just kidding. You don’t have to answer. I just wanted an excuse to post this picture. Paul is, like, so cool. Don’t fight me on this. Unless you want a broken nose.

In case you missed it, there was an article in last week’s Parade about “Haunted Hollywood.” The article claims that Ozzie and Harriet Nelson’s home (featured on The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet) is haunted by the wandering spirit of Ozzie Nelson. A “visitor” claimed that she woke up to find Ozzie smooching her in the middle of the night.  Uhhh…what the heck?! You should go all out in your fantasies, lady. I mean, Ozzie is cool and all, but why wouldn’t you say RICKY was kissing you? That would actually attract tourism and all. Whatever. In the words of Jim Morrison (who’s haunting something or other as well, according to the article–when he’s not busy possessing Jason Patric, of course): PEOPLE. ARE. STRANGE.

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Just gonna leave that there and not delve into a whole Beverly Hills, 90210 tangent. You’re welcome. (For the GIF, I mean. This whole blog post is a series of tangents and one more wouldn’t kill it or bring it back to life, depending on whose side you’re on.)

We finally delved into Castle Rock around here, and while I found the mysterious premise intriguing enough, I didn’t really jump out of bed (quite literally) until I heard the familiar voice of David Selby in the fourth episode.

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I’m sure caring, conscientious relatives had told me he would be making an appearance, but I am getting senile and just forgot. Little Critter shrug. Anyway, it was good to see ol’ Mr. Selby still kicking around, and it made me want to marathon some Dark Shadows. It is October, after all. And then I remembered I just recently watched pretty much the entire series, so it may be too soon, unless I want to watch storylines I purposefully skipped (cough, Leviathans, cough). I don’t know — do you think that’s healthy? You can be honest.

I did leave the house recently and saw the newest interpretation of A Star is Born. I found it entertaining, captivating, and moving. I’ve only seen it once, so I’m not properly equipped to meticulously critique and analyze it, but I will say (because this is MY BLOG and you can’t stop me!!!!): I loved the natural chemistry between Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga. I loved how fully each actor engrossed themselves in their respective roles. I loved how moving and believable this love story was–again, in a completely natural, non-forced way. I love how the film emphasized true artistry and how machines of the industry can strive to peel that away and suffocate it. I love how Cooper’s Jackson Maine makes a point of “having something to say” in his music. And how that comes full circle with Ally (Lady Gaga) in the end. I guess the short of it is I loved it more than any movie I’ve seen in the movie theater in quite a while. Maybe you will, too. Unless you’re overly attached to seeing James Mason in swim trunks (tragic) or Barbra Streisand wearing clothes FROM HER CLOSET–in which case, fair enough. Horses for courses as they say.

Which brings me to the final thread holding my brain together…

Okay, so The Beatles recently announced the release of the 50th anniversary edition of The Beatles aka THE WHITE ALBUM. There’s a 3CD version, which features the original album (in a new stereo mix–yeah, if you want Mono, you have to have the Mono Box Set…like, don’t even get me started) and a disc of the Esher demos (Esher is a suburb of London where George Harrison lived; the boys gathered there to record demos for what would become The White Album), a 2LP edition, a 4LP deluxe edition, and a super deluxe 7-disc version, which includes the original album, the Esher demos, 3 discs of studio outtakes, an audio Blu-Ray, and a 168-page hardback book.

Yeah, guess which version I want?

I might as well just give Paul and Ringo full access to my bank account. It never ends with this band.

I mean, I still cherish my well-loved, slightly yellowed 30th anniversary edition of The White Album. That’s how old I am. And I know I shouldn’t have to buy this album again, but…I love this band. The sound of my beating heart.

But I will say, new and improved isn’t always guaranteed to be better, even with this band. I strongly dislike the new mixes of “Free As A Bird” and “Real Love” that were featured on Beatles 1+. When I hear them, I do a very good impression of the Wicked Witch of the West at the end of The Wizard of Oz. They sound horrible.

I also was really disappointed with how the video for “Real Love” was changed for the DVD release of The Beatles Anthology (and Beatles 1+ collection). I wish I still had my VHS tape of The Beatles Anthology, taped off TV. It had the countdown to the NEW Beatles song and featured Paul, George, and Ringo driving up to the studio. They all get out of George’s sweet ride, and Paul’s all, “Nice motor. Nice motor.” I have lamented getting rid of that tape for YEARS. But, due to the wonders of the Internet, my prayers have been answered. (Don’t judge my prayers. It was a real need.) Someone uploaded the clip to YouTube:

THANK YOU!!!!!!! May God bless and keep you always, may your wishes all come true, may you always do for others and let others do for you…

Now, if anyone also has the ORIGINAL “Real Love” video as aired on ABC in 1996, PLEASE SHARE IT WITH ME!! It would extend my life by years.

But back to horses for courses and how that relates to the White Album and why that is the final thread holding my brain together.

Well, let’s just look at the following clip from The Beatles Anthology:

This clip is a perfect illustration of what makes The Beatles Anthology so great, and why I love it so much and have completely committed it to memory (watching it like 900 times will do that to ya). It features differing memories/opinions of The Beatles’ story, and each narrative is a perfect reflection of that personality:

  • George Martin feels it would have been a stronger single album rather than a disjointed, hodge-podge of a double album.
  • Stylish Ringo, sporting a Raiders ball cap and a plaid jacket, agrees: there should have been two albums, The White and The Whiter Album. Oh, Ringo, you sardonic Beatle you.
  • George, chilling in a Kazookie (some call it “Hawaiian”) shirt and shades on one of the million acres of Friar Park, brings us back to reality: that band had a lot of ego and how do you tell Paul McCartney that “Honey Pie” isn’t that great? Eat cake, Macca!!!
  • Back to Professor George Martin, studying a track list of the album. It could have been a “fantastically good album” if it had been condensed a bit more. Some people believe The White Album is The Beatles’ greatest work. “It’s not my view,” Martin concludes. “But um, horses for courses.” LOVE THIS GUY.
  • Uh oh, I think Paul heard my comment about “Honey Pie.” “I’m not a great one for that–maybe it was too many of that…” (I guess that’s why we have all agreed to just not talk about your hideous mullet/mustache combination of the 1970s.) Paul gets REAL sassy and metaphorically snaps his fingers as he declares: “It was great, it sold, it’s The Beatles’ bloody White Album, shut up!” BURN BABY BURN!!!!
  • What this clip does not show–but what I SWEAR is in the full version (which I can’t verify at the moment because laptops no longer have disc drives, and I can’t put the DVD in the DVD player because the DVD player is in my torn up, non-functional living room at the moment…TMI? SORRY!!) is a shot of George Martin silently swiveling in his Professor chair after Macca’s sassy burn. Classic.

Did I mention I love this band? And “Honey Pie” isn’t THAT bad. “Wild Honey Pie”, on the other hand…travesty. That should have been elbowed, burned, exorcised, the whole nine yards.

Alright, that’s enough. IT’S LATE, after all. This has been a great examination of how my brain works. Don’t worry, I can still hear a couple of marbles swishing around up there, so I am a-okay.

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It’s a dog eat dog world, Sammy, and I’m wearing milk-bone underwear: An Anti-depressant Mixtape/Playlist

Blame it on the fact that I haven’t watched any Dark Shadows in months (yes, months) or the fact that I’m only up to my ideal weight if I were 11 feet tall or a complete lack of restful sleep or water retention, but all roads lead to acute depression and apathy. And while I (and you) may really just want to listen to Blue or “Waiting ‘Round to Die” on repeat, that’s not healthy behavior. (Not that I know anything about healthy behavior.) But you (and I) know that music can be a great mood alleviator, miracle aligner, what you will. So, gather ’round and have a listen to this group of songs all-but-guaranteed to pull you out of your funk. Save the marshmallows and chocolate for another day, my friend. (I know they’re the food group on the bottom of the food pyramid, but you need some balance in your life.)

1. ELO – “Mr. Blue Sky”  

Beatles influence (huh-huh-huh-huh): you’re doing it right.

Oh, to be a little Baby Groot and dance around the world without a care.

2. Crosby, Stills, & Nash – “Suite: Judy Blue Eyes” 

Opening track on your debut album: you’re doing it right.

Like, if the album ended after this song was over…I wouldn’t even be mad. I’d still snatch up every copy.

And as far as pet peeves go, number one behind all other drivers on the road would be individuals who choose to talk at any point during this song but especially the last ninety seconds or so. This is especially irksome when I have my headphones on. Like, why can’t you read my anti-social behavioral cues? Don’t interrupt my religious experience here. Oh va, oh va! Doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo doo/Doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo!!!!!!!!!

3. Harry Nilsson – “The Puppy Song” 

I don’t know, I just want to go outside and roll around with a dog.

And I’m not, even, like a dog person.

The power of music, man.

4. Ricky Nelson – “Raincoat in the River” 

Don’t act like you’re too cool to listen to Ricky Nelson ‘cos you MOST. DEFINITELY. ARE. NOT!! I SAID NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a little-known gem (in my wobbly universe where I don’t have a very firm grasp on reality, anyway) hidden on the slightly forgettable Love and Kisses album. But boy oh boy, if this song does not give you the will to live, I don’t know what will. SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP ASAP.

Oh, and remember how in my last post I talked about how you have to accept people for who they are and love them anyway? That’s what I have to remind my husband of when he finds me dancing to this song wearing my sleep mask before bedtime. Don’t forget I gave up the chance to marry Marlon Brando or Ricky Nelson in the next life to marry you! You have to love me just as I am!!

Now the rain’s been drippin’
Drip drop a drippin’
Every day you’ve been away
Now the rain is stoppin’
No more drip drip droppin’
You’re back to stay
That’s why I say… 
I’M GONNA THROW 
My raincoat in the river
GONNA TOSS 
My umbrella in the sea 
The sun’s gonna shine like never before
It ain’t gonna rain, gonna rain no more
Now my baby’s come back to me

I may or may not have a complete dance routine for this song. Ricky’s voice just moves me.

Also, I hope you deeply (DEEEEPLY) appreciate how the last photo in the above video shows Ricky’s best side. Er, I mean back side. All of Ricky’s sides are the best sides.

5. Bee Gees – “You Win Again”

“They’re back to win your hearts and your minds with their new single, ‘You Win Again.’ Ladies and gentlemen, welcome…The Bee Gees!” 

ALWAYS THE SAME.

(If you don’t understand that reference, you clearly haven’t watched In Our Own Time enough times/as many times as me. Get on task!)

Not only is this song totally awesome and life-affirming, but this whole era of Bee Gees just might feature all of my style goals in the form of Robin Gibb (who else?). Confidence personified.

Ok, I can’t watch any more Bee Gees videos tonight. It will lead me down the rabbit hole of total Bee Gees obsession, and it gets worse every time. It’s really something only a cancer survivor would understand.

OH GIRRRRRL 

Thank you for existing, Gibbs.

6. Pulp – “Disco 2000” 

I don’t know, I just think I could sing along to this song all day, every day and never, ever be sad.

Oh, what are you doin’ Sunday, baby? 
Would you like to come and meet me, maybe? 
You can even bring your baby! 
Ooh ooh oh oh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Remember that scene in that one episode of Life on Mars (the original, superior UK version starring John Simm) where Sam, trapped in 1973, hears a snippet of this song on the radio in the Indian restaurant? No? I guess you haven’t watched that show as much as me either. Keep up, will ya?

7. The Style Council – “My Ever Changing Moods” 

The lyrics of this song are actually quite political and powerful, but what really makes this song an automatic anti-depressant for me is the flawless, tongue-in-cheek video featuring Paul Weller and Mick Talbot in a bike race. I can’t believe there are people on this planet who find it appalling and degrading to the song. How can you not adore this video? Paul Weller’s face with his mouth full of banana at 2:35? Please God, let me live again. It’s the best thing ever.

8. Wham! – “Last Christmas” 

This is another song where the video helps make it so inspiring. But there are also people who don’t like this song or video, and I am here to tell you that those people are wrong.

(Careless Whisper) Maybe next year… 

Gets me every time.

9. Hall & Oates – “Say It Isn’t So” 

Pretty sure this is the song I listened to repeatedly on the morning of my wedding. Does that mean anything, Dr. Crane?

The only downside to listening to this song is the moment when you realize you can’t dance as well as Daryl does with his own silhouette in this video. Life goals right there. You might get really discouraged and sad. Be careful.

Also, how scary is John when he creeps up behind Daryl and points as he sings “SAY”? Really scary and really, really creepy.

10. Peter Frampton – “Show Me the Way” 

Oh my gosh, if you are one of those people who thinks they’re too cool to listen to Peter Frampton, PLEASE GO AWAY. (Uhhhh, why does the above video have 2K THUMBS DOWN? Are you just jealous of PFramp’s awesome chest? Your internet privileges are hereby REVOKED so you can get some professional HELP!!!) But if you donated your copy of Frampton Comes Alive! to a used record store, THANK YOU because I probably bought it. (Nope, I still ain’t sayin’ how many copies I own.)

I just love it when this song comes on the radio. I just have to…wonder if I’m dreaming. I feel so unashamed. I can’t believe this is happening to me!

Ahhh, heaven. This must be what it is like.

11. The Monkees – “Pleasant Valley Sunday” 

What a great pop song.

I could recommend watching The Monkeys as an anti-depressant, but I have learned to accept that it is an acquired taste for some not-so-blessed individuals.

And I may be in the minority opinion here (don’t know, don’t care), but I really think Season 1 is a better, more entertaining television show than Season 2, where Micky plugged his hair into a socket and walks around wearing a psychedelic tablecloth for most of the season. But the music? Definitely superior, and this is a great example.

12. The Beatles – “She Loves You” 

This whole playlist could be Beatles songs. The sound of my beating heart. My will to live.

But I had to pick an early, frenzied Beatlemania song because there is so much energy and joy in those early songs. People who stick their nose up at pre-Rubber Soul Beatles just might actually be worse than the demonic souls who don’t even like the Beatles. Get HELP!!!!!

13. The Beach Boys – “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” 

Any version will do, but I am personally endorsing the stereo mix found on the 30th anniversary box set. Why? Because we like you, and Brian sings the bridge, therefore resulting in minimal Mike Love.

Pure bliss.

HIDDEN TRACK: BJ Thomas – “As Long As We Got Each Other” 

Remember when CDs would have hidden tracks? That was super annoying. I’m glad it’s not a thing anymore. Not that I really know because I don’t buy that many CDs. Anyway…

I love having this song stuck in my head. Quality of life improved tenfold.

I know there are many more songs that could qualify for this playlist, but my sleep mask is calling to me…

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Mini Grab Bag, Pt. 4

You oughta know the drill by now, kiddos. The Countess has hit a dry spell, ain’t got nothin’ too excitin’ or comprehensive to blog about, so she just performs a lobotomy on her brain and opens up a huge grab bag of whatever’s floatin’ around up there for all the world to read and weep…

I watched Love & Mercy again recently for the…oh, I don’t know, eight millionth time? 150611_gma_connelly2_0633_16x9_992:))))))))))))))))))))))))) all the smile emojis in the world for this movie :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Ok, so that’s a bit of hyperbole. I’ve actually only seen it approximately seven million times. But really, I’ve seen this film many, many, many times. I couldn’t stop laughing about three minutes into the film, which perplexed my husband because it wasn’t exactly a funny scene. “I’m just laughing because I know exactly what he’s going to say next,” I told him. It’s such a great film and makes my heart so, so happy. Can someone remind me why neither Paul Dano OR John Cusack were even at least nominated for you-know-what? I guess the nominating committee didn’t close their eyes like Brian told them to. (“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. I closed my eyes, didn’t see a thing.” What a party pooper, that Murray.) So many great moments and lines in this film. “You’re grass, and I’m a power mower.” “I’m already eating as fast as I can!” “Does it sound like a drug song to anyone else?” “Mike, you can leave if you don’t want to be here, thank you. I’m working with the cello players.” “See you tomorrow, Hal!” And on and on and on. Ahhh. I love this movie.

(Pssst, anyone else uncontrollably amused by Mike Love’s one critique of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra’s album of Beach Boys songs? “When the first list came to me, they didn’t have ‘Kokomo’ on it. Now, it wasn’t a big hit in the UK, but it was No.1 for eight weeks in Australia and a No.1 in the US, so I said, ‘Actually, it’s the biggest-selling single we ever had – bigger than “I Get Around”, bigger than “Good Vibrations”, so that’s really saying something.’ Not having it on the album would be a mistake. In the end it turned out great.” No, in the end, it turned out hiiiiilarious. Listen for yourself here but only if you want to be cursed with having “Kokomo” in your head ALL SUMMER LONG, grrrrrrr.)

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Brian Wilson (Paul Dano) hears the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra’s rendition of “Kokomo.” Or just the regular version of “Kokomo,” same difference.

Unless you have been hiding under a rock with my sister, then you probably already watched Paul McCartney Carpool Karaoke. 

Not that I really watch The Late Late Show with James Corden on a regular basis or anything (or at all, really), but it is easily the best Carpool Karaoke ever. It’s funny, poignant, and magical as only a former Beatle can conjure. I’m also so lovin’ the new Macca trax. How blessed we are to have Sir Paul McCartney in this world!!

On the other hand, I’m still trying to figure out this new Arctic Monkeys album. 

Do I like it? Do I not like it? Am I awake? Am I asleep? Do I want to book a trip to the moon? I just don’t know. But I’ve been listening to it pretty much non-stop trying to figure it out and finding snippets of lyrics popping into my brain:

What do you mean you’ve never seen Blade Runner?

Dancing in my underpants
I’m gonna run for government
I’m gonna form a covers band and all

Kiss me underneath the moon’s side boob

(Wait, what?) 

Bear with me, man, I lost my train of thought

Since the exodus it’s all getting GENTRIFIIIIIIED 

I launch my fragrance called “Integrity”

Confused, unsure, and looking for answers, I sought inspiration from a higher power. That’s right, I turned to Google and discovered a clip of an interview with Noel Gallagher being questioned about the album.

The journalist puts forth the premise of the album (a retirement home for rock stars on the moon–no, really) to Noel and wonders if he fancies it. “I don’t know what to make of it,” Noel answers simply.

(Meeeeee toooooo.)

The journalist presses a little, describing the album as experimental, off-the-beaten track, not really what you would expect from Arctic Monkeys.”No, you’d expect a few choruses. There wasn’t any of them,” Gallagher quips dryly.

Love that guy.

It is completely different from anything Arctic Monkeys have done before, it isn’t exactly what you’d expect, it might make you a bit uncomfortable or even outraged that those “We’re Arctic Monkeys, this is ‘I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor’, don’t believe the hype” have grown up, grown some facial hair, changed a little…but, alas, I haven’t stopped loving you once.

There’s also been a ton of outrage (apparently) that Alex Turner grew some facial hair and has been sporting a beard.

I just wanna know where ya’ll were when Jarvis Cocker grew a beard. Like, that was outrage, and it was a protest party of one as I recall. At some point–oh maybe two or three years later, I think it was–I had to accept that Jarvis wasn’t going to shave his beard or wash his hair on a regular basis. You can’t change people, people. You just have to love them for who they are.

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And Jarvis is a really weird guy. But I still like him a lot.

I still got it. 

And by “it,” I refer to the ability to win the Turner Classic Movies edition of Scene It despite not spending all my spare time watching old movies anymore. I won even when my opponents got questions like, “What does Zuzu tell Daddy happens every time a bell rings?” and “What film stars Clark Gable, Marilyn Monroe, and Montgomery Clift?” and “What color are Dorothy’s shoes in The Wizard of Oz?” Come on, now, I’m sleep-walking here, answering these questions!!

But really, I won because I always choose The Maltese Falcon as my playing piece, and it never, ever lets me down.humphrey-bogart-maltese-falcon-steve-wynnHearts in my eyes for Sam Spade forever.

I’ve been to the movies twice recently (to see Jurassic World and Incredibles 2, both very enjoyable) and saw the absolute worst trailer for a movie, ever. Like, ever, ever. 

I don’t even know if I can post it here in all good conscience. Some virtually braindead individual had the dumb idea to not only make another film version of Little Women but also “re-imagine” the story by placing it in a modern setting. I’m appalled, really. I have no words. This is like in Back to the Future II when Marty finds himself in an alternate 1985 where his mom has had a boob job and is married to Biff. We have to go back to 1955 and stop Biff from giving himself the Sports Almanac from 2015. We have to stop this movie from being made. We only need the perfect, definitive film version of Louisa May Alcott’s story produced in 1994, starring Winona Ryder as Jo. And if you can’t deal with that, at least respect the author’s work and LEAVE IT ALONE. I SAID NO NO NO!!!!!!!

I need to calm down.

Happy birthday, Ringo!

Peace and love.

I’m the greatest and you better believe it, baby!

I finished watching all eight seasons of 24…my life is now devoid of meaning. 

I haven’t watched the “revival” or whatever you wanna call it, but I must say, I was little underwhelmed by the series finale. It seemed…a little reminiscent of an earlier season finale????? Come on now. But Jack Bauer is still awesome.

Meanwhile, I haven’t been watching much–like any–Dark Shadows lately. 

I kind of cycled through all the story arcs I wanted to and I don’t know if I really want to watch the Leviathan storyline (like who needs that kind of negativity in their life???) or if I should actually watch the pre-Barnabas (gasp!) episodes for the first time ever. I remember seeing a few on Sci-Fi as a kid, and as I recall, they were one long yawn. Apparently, however, there are fans who argue that some of the series’ best acting and writing is found in those early episodes. I just don’t know if I can stomach 209 episodes of no Barnabas or Quentin. I don’t know if that life is worth living, frankly. Let me know your thoughts.

That’s it, kids. This is just a “mini” grab bag–for when you need a Hand of Count Petofi fix but don’t want all the calories. Unless you’re like me and eat the whole bag anyway and then end up in bed, shutting out the rest of the world.852664894-brian_wilson_1968_laying_in_bed_with_smoke

It’s waaaaay past my bedtime. As if that weren’t clear enough.

Bonsoir!

A Considered, Serious Review of Phantom Thread

It’s been awhile, friends.

A few weeks ago, before I became a world traveler, I finally got see Daniel Day-Lewis’ farewell to acting, Phantom Thread.

I had debated whether to see this film in the theater, yet had been told it was the most boring movie ever from a semi-reliable source, so I joined the public library’s waiting list. That’s why I pay my taxes, man.

So it was finally my turn to take home Phantom Thread for seven days (and if I want to keep it a day late, I only have to pay 15 cents!), and then the longest two hours and ten minutes of my life began.

Here’s a few thoughts that ran through my mind while watching this Oscar-nominated (slim pickings, I guess?) film:

  • How much time has gone by? Only…two minutes?
  • Is Daniel Day-Lewis really going to quit acting? After this? Why? Why did he choose to make this movie? Why is he choosing retirement? Because his ability to choose worthwhile projects has gone out the window?
  • How much longer?
  • Most quotable line? “You have no breasts.” Oooh, romance.
  • Why are these two people attracted to each other?
  • What is the point of this movie?
  • How. Much. LONGERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Why is that crazy drunk lady who wants DDL to design her wedding dress look and sound familiar? Oh good, an excuse to get on Google, pass some time…
  • Bebe from Frasier! “It’s not like she worships the devil.” “She doesn’t have to, HE worships HER!!!!” Dang, I could watch like 8 episodes of Frasier in the time I will be watching this movie and be infinity times more entertained…
  • Oh my gosh, this is painful.
  • How much longer?!!!
  • Why was this movie critically claimed? Just…why?

Just…what a total waste of time, man. Would not recommend. Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. All the thumbs in the world down.

That is my serious and considered review of Phantom Thread. Sorry if you also wasted two hours and ten minutes of your life watching this film and then actually liked it. You may want to see a doctor about that. (Don’t offended, okay. Just concerned for your health and it’s called HYPERBOLE.)

It was the most disappointing and depressing two hours and ten minutes of my life. (I guess I’m not done yet.) The weight of this disappointment increases tenfold when you realize that a talented actor like Daniel Day Lewis (and yes, his acting is fine in the film) is done acting. This–this sad excuse of a movie–is it. It is like that moment when you’re watching Kiefer Sutherland being interviewed about playing Jack Bauer on 24 and you realize…he’s not really Jack Bauer, he’s just Kiefer Sutherland. I know you’ve all been there. (And if you haven’t, you should let Jack Bauer change your life.) A really sobering and disheartening moment.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Meanwhile, on Dark Shadows

 

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Well, isn’t this cozy? Hallmark should get on this.

Bonsoir!