X-Men: Days of Future Past (Bryan Singer, 2014)

Whoa! Apologies for the severe lack in updates — I’ve been preoccupied trying to fathom that there are people who miss the most annoying character in television history AKA Diane Chambers on Cheers (who needs Diane when you have Woodrow Tiberius Boyd? Actually, who needs anybody when you have Woodrow Tiberius Boyd?), sobbing over the third season finale of Homeland (and contemplating what I am now supposed to do with my life), and attempting to answer the most dreaded question any child could ask you, ever: “Who broke up the Beatles?” Yep. Oh, and I’ve also been re-decorating my room with these kind of timeless treasures that have been kindly donated to Goodwill:

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“Hollywood’s Most Eligible Bachelors, continued
MARLON BRANDO
Although he dresses as if he didn’t have a cent to his name, Marlon gets $150,000 per picture and invests most of it in cattle. He’s financially sound but while he can be charming on occasion, most girls don’t go for his moods and unconventional behavior.”   

Moods? Cattle? Uh, count me in.

Besides leaving the house to buy this, I also did manage to briefly step into the real world to see a movie made this century: X-Men: Days of Future Past.

That’s right. I broke my vow that I would never pay money to see a superhero movie again. Why? Two words: James McAvoy.

mcavoy

And you thought Magneto’s helmet looked stupid…

Yeah. And we’re not just talking about any James McAvoy. We’re talking long-haired, bearded, tastefully attired in 1970s flowery print shirts, flared bottoms, and sweet shades, I-look-like-I-might-be-wheelin’-and-dealin’-drugs-even-if-I’m-not-wheelin’-in-my-wheelchair James McAvoy. Translation: Worth the price of admission.

Having never seen the earlier X-Men movies and not really caring about superheroes even if their dad is Marlon Brando, I was surprised when I enjoyed X-MenFirst Class. Besides lovin’ McAvoy, I loved watching the X-Men discover their abilities, the development of the friendship between Charles and Erik, and, best of all, Charles Xavier in sweats. Even though Days of Future Past does not feature Professor X in sweats, it is equally enjoyable.

Basically, in the future, the X-Men are hunted by these Sentinels created by a researcher who came into contact with the X-Men in the 1970s. In order to save themselves, the future X-Men send Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) into the past to prevent a certain event occurring, thus hopefully preventing the invention of these Sentinels and the subsequent destruction of so many X-Men. Got that? No? Here’s another summary:

1. Magneto does bad things, all day, every day. Bad things like juggling little metal balls, throwing them at people’s heads, and breaking into a high-security place where his helmet is stored (’cause he’s been imprisoned in the Pentagon for “killing” JFK — but he didn’t kill JFK! He was deflecting the bullet because he was trying to save JFK because JFK actually was a mutant. Duh!). I thought that part was funny. But nobody else in the theater was laughing, so…maybe not? No, I’m pretty sure it was funny. Anyway.

2. Charles is sad and angry because Magneto does these bad things all day, every day. So he puts his fingers to his forehead and hopes, prays, and wishes that Magneto will stop doing those bad things. But guess what? He doesn’t. So he just starts yelling, “Erik, no! No Erik! NO ERIK!!!!!!!!!”

3. Magneto is all, “I prefer Magneto”, puts on his dumb little helmet, and starts levitating away. Uh, when the heck did he get that power? Charles is sad. But Beast is there, so it’s okay.

4. Oh, and in the middle of all this is Hugh Jackman having really bad headaches because he’s hovering between the past and the future. Get it together, Wolverine. Marty McFly never had this problem.

Does that help? No? Er…one more time.

1. In the future, Magneto looks A LOT like Gandalf from The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings. Magneto and Professor X are good friends. The X-Men are being hunted by huge robots or something invented in the 1970s by a descendant of Reverend Trask from Dark Shadows (I think). Wolverine is in the future trying to stop this from happening but it’s not that easy because Magneto is so bad and makes Charles so sad in the past so it’s taking awhile. But the bad robots are getting closer to finding the X-Men in the future! At one point, Gandalf — I mean Magneto — gets so frustrated, he leaves Professor X to head back to the Shire.

2. In the past, Jim Croce plays while a young Quicksilver helps Charles and Wolverine get Magneto out of the Pentagon so they can stop this Trask dude. It’s my favorite scene in the whole movie. Once again, however, no one else was laughing…

3. Maybe they should have left Magneto in the Pentagon because he is SO BAD. He basically ruins the plan to stop Trask and the Sentinels. But before he starts doing bad things again, he and Charles play a game of Chess that is more romantic than…Titantic? Yeah.

4. There’s a huge battle with these Sentinels in the past. Mystique runs around changing into every other person. Wolverine ends up in the bottom of the ocean in the past but what about the future? Did he succeed in stopping the Sentinels?

Well, you have to see the movie to find out. It’s a good time. And I’m pretty sure there are no worthwhile movies coming out anytime soon because every single preview I saw looked dumber than Magneto’s helmet and Professor X’s little mind reading head-gear combined.

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