When life gives you Leviathans, make some lemonade.

Where has the time gone? Been working on my New Years’ Resolutions for 2019, OBVIOUSLY:

1. Change my e-mail to get rid of my God-forsaken maiden name. (CHECK. DONEZO. FINI.)

2. Finally finish Moby Dick. (The struggle is real. 300 pages of exposition about whale classification and I am praying for an anvil to fall on my head.)

3. Say what I think more often instead of playing nice. But still be basically a nice person. Basically.

Maybe I should add a fourth and go back to updating this blog regularly. Ehhhhhh. (That was in my North Muskegon accent, Butts McGee.)

A year or so ago, I had begun a major Dark Shadows marathon, binging my way through most of the storylines that I cared to watch again. At that time, I joyfully skipped over the Leviathan storyline…but this past week, I had a need to watch some Dark Shadows and I picked up the Leviathan storyline with Barnabas wandering around in the woods (where else?) in 1796 (when else?). So obviously between watching Dark Shadows and listening to Roy Orbison 24/7, I have been pretty darn busy. (You’re watching that again? my husband asks, delighted to re-enter this sublimely strange world.) And, while the story of the Leviathans is still infuriating, it has brought me a great deal of joy this week. Here are some of my favorite gems so far:

1. Barnabas lets his TRUE feelings about Dr. Julia Hoffman be known:

Sure, the writers try to blame it on the fact that he is currently possessed by the Leviathans, but really, Barnabas speaks the truth. Julia is nosy! Annoying! Hysterical! Her cry is the worst. It’s so, so ugly. Ugh. I much prefer Barnabas bashing/hating Julia to their dumb friendship/alliance.

2. Elizabeth is actually married to Jason McGuire. 

Ha ha ha.

3. This show has the most bizarre dream sequences. 

Screen Shot 2019-05-18 at 7.29.23 PM

Like, so weird. But hey, it was the ’60s, so I guess no one really noticed/thought it was completely normal.

And David totally looks like Donald Duck in “Donald’s Snow Fight”:

Screen Shot 2019-05-18 at 7.31.35 PM

Right?

4. Mrs. Johnson brings Paul Stoddard “some freshly baked cookies” which are supposedly Carolyn’s favorite, but they look like they came straight out of a Nabisco package. 

Screen Shot 2019-05-18 at 6.28.03 PM

The budget was spent elsewhere that day.

5. Quentin enters the twentieth century and has no idea who he really is. He gets upset when people try to tell him he actually is…Quentin Collins. 

Speak for yourself, Selby. This world needs a little Quentin Collins with a whole lotta sideburns. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I would go to Windcliff for Quentin!

6. David has learned nothing about being possessed/controlled by evil beings. 

He goes straight from the trauma of being brought near death by the ghost of Quentin Collins to playing with the Leviathan book and doing whatever this dumb kid tells him to. Yet, when he sees Quentin, he cowers and is afraid. No character growth for this kid. David Henesy is a better actor than many of the adults on this show, though. 100% truth.

7. Barnabas at one point tells Carolyn he is doing some “electronic experiments” in the basement of the Old House. 

Really? In the Old House where telephones (a dang inconvenience on this show — how many times has someone had to run to the Old House to give Barnabas an important message because he has no telephone), electricity, and modern plumbing do not exist, you expect us to believe you are really delving in some “electronic experiments”? Get outta town (that’d be COLLINSPORT), Collins.

8. Barnabas has a power struggle with a…six year old? 

This kid is the worst. Barnabas sassing him is golden, though. Like who does this kid think he is? Barnabas is the star of this show, the best alibi you can have in Collinsport, the savior of the Collins family multiple times over (…except in the 18th century when he brought shame to his family for being, you know, a vampire). When Barnabas speaks, you listen. And obey. OR ELSE. (And usually “or else” looks like being bit or beaten to death by the wolf cane — just ask Willie. Poor guy.)

Part two:

PICK IT UP. Will he obey? I’d kind of like to see Barnabas sock this kid.

Screen Shot 2019-05-18 at 7.38.33 PM

What would Dark Shadows be without the dramatic music?

And there’s still more to come:

BURN, BABY, BURN!!!!!

I guess what I’m trying to say here is…even when life gives you the Leviathan storyline (the all-time worst storyline, right?), there is lemonade to be made. Sometimes you just have to put on your Count Petofi eyeglasses (free with most insurance plans) and chill to some Roy Orbison to be able to drink it.

Angered_Petiofi

I mean, is he listening to “Blue Angel” or what?

The Countess sure is.

‘Til next time (eight months from now)….

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